thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
