The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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