The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
