I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
