k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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