Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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