and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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