Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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