omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
