Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
