Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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