i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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