you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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