Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
