i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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