Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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