4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
