He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
