I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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