so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
