i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
