well I can't set my house on fire every night
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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