I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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