my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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