I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
