then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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