Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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