you told grandpa to call you daddy
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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