The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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