Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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