This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
