I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
