My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
