yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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