I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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