I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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