And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
