my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains