The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.