The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
