She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
