Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
