i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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