i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
