what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
