my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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