remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
