I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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