I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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