her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
