So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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