it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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