So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
