I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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