Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
