Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
