I'm jealous of your bromance
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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