how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
