i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
